Chapter 21.1 - Pinellia ternata 半夏
“A true warrior dares to face a bleak life and confront the bloodshed.”
Her fingers traced over a few photos as Shen Xifan smiled, sitting on the floor, talking to herself, with a box in front of her.
These were all memories of her first love—letters, birthday gifts, photos, stickers, keychains, a couple pendant for their phones, stars and paper cranes she had folded for him. She had once said that if one day he didn’t want her anymore, she would burn these things. But she never could bring herself to do it, because she always hoped that person would return.
“Those letters, those vows, are just a performance on white paper and black ink.” Vows look beautiful, but they don’t last forever. But having them was enough.
Finally, she could let go. She quietly said to Yan Heng, “Even though you once gave me pain, the happiness of those years was real, and I never regretted loving you. That was the best thing I did in my youth—you taught me how to love someone, and then how to grow.”
“Thank you, this way I have the courage to love someone else.”
In a café by the riverside, with delicious ice cream balls decorated with chocolate and complemented by strawberries, Shen Xifan sighed. Even after so many years of breakup, the person opposite her still remembered her preferences.
But the atmosphere was somewhat cold. The usually composed man seemed at a loss. “Shen Xifan, are you really going to study abroad?”
She smiled and nodded, “Yes, I am going abroad. Is there something wrong?”
Yan Heng’s lips curled, slowly revealing a hint of bitterness. “Do you still hate me? Still blame me? I only ask, can you give me a chance? I am willing to wait, however long it takes.”
“I’m sorry,” she said, struggling to speak, “But there’s no possibility between us anymore.”
Finally, the words she had held back for so long were out.
His face suddenly showed a sense of exhaustion, and Shen Xifan raised her head and repeated seriously, “I’m sorry!”
She cursed herself in her heart. Refusing required courage, but she was always bad at speaking it out loud. She didn’t want to face it, or rather, didn’t want to say those three words, “I’m sorry,” because she knew how much they could hurt. She had tasted the pain of rejection before and didn’t want to inflict that on someone else.
Lowering her gaze, she continued, “Actually, I don’t hate you. I used to ask myself if I hated you more or loved you more. I asked myself that for years, and now I finally understand. Without love, there wouldn’t be hate. Yan Heng, do you know? I used to feel so far from you, always chasing after your steps. I was so humble in front of you. But now, I realize, I can calmly look at you, so…”
“Don’t say anymore,” he interrupted her, his voice tinged with a deep, sour bitterness. “I should be the one saying ‘sorry.’ All of this is my fault, and even now, I know I don’t have the right to ask you to come back to my side. But I know my own feelings. Three years ago, I regretted it deeply while I was in America, and so I decided to take a gamble with myself. But in the end, I overestimated my place in your heart.”
Shen Xifan smiled bitterly, “Let’s not talk about the past anymore.”
He smiled faintly, unsure of how to continue. “Alright, let’s not mention it.”
He stood up to pay the bill. When he returned, Shen Xifan was already gone, and only a piece of paper remained on the table.
“Once the flowers of the night fall, I will be gone to the ends of the earth; I will light a heart lamp for you, saying my farewells with reluctance; from now on, meeting you will be less than remembering you.”
The trembling corners of his eyes carried a deep self-mockery and pain—from youthful recklessness, he had hurt her. Looking back, she was no longer there, and he could not face her.
This was the best ending. He only hoped she would be happy. He had gone too far, and she could not wait forever. He had known this for a long time; what he regretted was that he hadn’t treasured what he had, letting happiness slip through his fingers.
So, they would be the most familiar strangers. From now on, meeting would be less than remembering.
He had once loved her, and now he loved her. He never regretted it. It was the best thing, he knew. During those splendid years, he had someone who loved him by his side, someone who had given their most precious youth to him.
So from now on, there would be a shadow in his heart, quietly cherished. Even on the darkest nights, he would never feel lonely.
In the city of May, at the beginning of summer, Shen Xifan walked down the street, basking in the slightly warm sunshine.
She raised the corner of her mouth and silently muttered, “Goodbye,” as she faced the gentle breeze, feeling the warmth of the sun. Her sorrow faded, and the last bit of bitterness evaporated, leaving only a trace of a shadow. She would bury it deep in her heart.
Such a day should be called “Banxia,” half of summer—warm, yet not anxious.
A very warm name.
If He Suye knew, he would certainly tell her, “Banxia is a traditional Chinese medicine, consisting of ginger Banxia, Fa Banxia, Banxia Qu, and Zhu Li Banxia. It dries dampness, transforms phlegm, relieves nausea, and disperses lumps. There is also a prescription for Banxia Baizhu Tianma Decoction and Banxia Houpu Decoction.”
A doctor with a professional habit, Shen Xifan secretly smiled—yet where was he now? It had been a long time since she had seen him.
She thought of buying a few summer clothes and getting some for her parents as well, as a final act of filial piety before she left.
At the men’s clothing section, she was picking out shirts for her father when her mother kept on grumbling, “Your father likes pure cotton, but he always wants to machine wash it, and soon it pills up.” She picked up a dark blue shirt. “Your dad doesn’t like light colors, he insists on wearing dark ones.”
Shen Xifan secretly laughed. She was planning to buy her dad a bright red T-shirt from the sportswear section, so he could enjoy a bit of youth.
Suddenly, she saw a white shirt—simple in style, expensive in price—just like the one He Suye wore at Li Jie’s wedding. That day, he wore a plain white shirt and a suit because Qiu Tian had warned him not to overshadow the groom. But to her, everyone else was no match for him. It was just his understated, innate charm that truly captivated her.
She pulled out her phone to check, but there were no messages or call notifications. She sighed lightly, feeling a small sense of disappointment.
He had only mentioned going to the mountains, without telling her the exact time. She couldn’t shake a feeling of unease, and it lingered in her mind.
When she returned home, her aunt’s family happened to be visiting, but her little nephew was absent. Her cousin-in-law sighed, “After dinner, he said his stomach was uncomfortable and he felt like throwing up, so I didn’t let him come. I’ll buy some medicine for him on the way back, and if it’s really bad, we’ll go to the emergency room.”
Shen Xifan’s mother responded thoughtfully, “Throwing up is neither too big nor too small. By the way, why don’t you go see a Chinese medicine doctor?” Then, as if remembering something, she added, “We have a lot of prescriptions like that at home. I’ll have Fan Fan bring them for you to have a look.”
Shen Xifan was puzzled, “When did I start seeing so much Chinese medicine? I’ve only had insomnia and a fever before.”
Her mother explained, “Oh—didn’t someone give me a book with a stack of prescriptions in it a few days ago? They said they were borrowing your book. I later flipped through it and found a lot of prescriptions inside. I thought they might be yours, so I just casually put the book on the shelf.”
Shen Xifan’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Wait, I’ll go look for it!”
Inside that Chinese medicine book, there was a thick stack of prescriptions, carelessly piled with other reference books. If her mother hadn’t reminded her, she would have missed it.
She flipped through the pages one by one, each marked carefully: “Cold,” “External heat,” “Cough,” “Stomach pain,” “Vomiting,” “Fatigue,” “Headache.” At the bottom of the page was the doctor’s signature: He Suye.
There were only prescriptions, no other notes. She flipped through all the pages, but there was no other word. She rushed into the living room and asked her mother, “When was this book delivered?”
