Chapter 30.2 - How To Not Be Lonely (2)
“But sometimes you really do see interesting things in the library, like in the movies, where a guy and a girl accidentally bump into each other, books scatter everywhere, and then…” He started laughing again. “It’s really cliché. In our freshman year, every time Zhang Mingrui said he was tired and needed to leave his seat to browse the bookshelves, he’d always accidentally bump into someone. He’d always say that’s what they call ‘bumping into good luck’—but sadly, every time, he’d bump into the four-eyed, steel-toothed, academic machines, never the long-haired, white-dressed girls.”
“He should try bumping into someone in the classical literature section. I think it depends on the girl population in each department, right?” Luo Zhi suddenly pictured Zhang Mingrui’s playful grin and couldn’t help but laugh mischievously.
"However, although I understand his mindset, I still feel that a real 'accidental encounter' carries more meaning. Looking back, it would give that sense of fate, like it was meant to happen."
Sheng Huainan’s words made Luo Zhi feel a bit down. Yes, how could I not know? she thought silently, not speaking.
"When I liked Ye Zhanyan back then," he began. Luo Zhi couldn't help but turn to look at him in surprise. Sheng Huainan’s casual tone had caused a brief pause, as if caught off guard by her reaction. "What’s wrong?"
"Nothing, it’s just... the topic changed so quickly."
He mentioned Ye Zhanyan in such a casual way, without any pretense. Luo Zhi felt a weight lift from her chest. The speculation sparked by Zheng Wenrui’s words and the text messages at the amusement park had been cleared up. He could mention her so calmly now, right?
"Back then, when I liked her, I started looking forward to boring activities like going to the cafeteria for dinner. Or rather, I started to look forward to any activity that took me out of the classroom. If I happened to run into her, it would make me happy, but I would never purposely wander around just to meet her. Many people try to walk in the hallway during breaks or after lunch to increase the chances of meeting someone they have in mind. But if you try to limit your actions, keeping your life as normal as possible, yet you still have something to look forward to, it feels different. I don’t know if you can understand this..."
"It’s like fate is coming to you, instead of you searching for it," Luo Zhi said.
"You’re much more succinct than me," Sheng Huainan made a face, "I’m really embarrassed."
Luo Zhi ignored him, "So, was there really no difference at all? Not even a little special action?"
She wasn’t sure what kind of answer she was hoping for.
"Well, there was a small change. You might laugh when I tell you."
"Go ahead. I want to hear it."
"Back then, I knew she liked to walk and chat with her friends on the playground after dinner. She liked sitting by the flagpole. So, before dinner, I would go and claim that spot, right by the basketball hoop next to the flagpole. My buddies figured it out, and they helped me reserve the spot. Sometimes, when I’d see her in the hallway and just pass by her, I’d suddenly joke with my buddies, laughing loudly and brightly. My friends even thought I was having intermittent ‘crazy’ episodes during that time."
"You acted like that too?" Luo Zhi laughed out loud. "But didn’t you find it awkward? Like, afraid you’d embarrass yourself? I know sometimes when guys play basketball together, it can get rough, swearing and all that—though those are necessary jokes—but didn’t you feel like your expression or actions would seem unnatural because she was there?"
“Ah, I would. But you know, the more I think about making a basket, the more unstable my shot becomes. Not only do I not stand out, I end up making mistakes. But, when I think about it, that feeling isn’t so bad.”
Sheng Huainan laughed brightly, while Luo Zhi lowered her head to look at her toes. Their love was so open and unguarded.
"But I don’t think I saw you in high school."
"Really?" he asked, with an almost amused tone. You saw me, just didn’t notice. Luo Zhi felt that continuing the conversation was pointless.
"You must’ve been the kind of person who stayed in the classroom all the time, never went outside. We had some pretty noticeable guys and girls in Class 2 next door, always walking in the hallways. There was a time when I didn’t run into them even once for several days, not even on the way to the bathroom. I started wondering if they had all disappeared or dropped out."
They were noticeable, so when you didn’t see them for a few days, you thought they had disappeared? I was always hanging around in front of your classroom, but I might as well have never shown up. Luo Zhi laughed and said, “It’s more comfortable staying in the classroom. After class, I can continue reading novels and comics. Of course, I read during class too.”
“Reading more books is good,” he nodded, “You can learn from other people's mistakes and experience.”
“Actually, reading books doesn’t always provide much guidance. It just makes you realize that the world is full of all kinds of people—there are always people worse off or better than you. You won’t feel too lonely.”
He looked at her seriously, “Do you feel very lonely?”
“You’re the one who says I overthink things. Forgot who said on the tricycle that I live a lonely life?”
“Don’t you have good friends?”
Luo Zhi tilted her head, thinking for a moment. Actually, she didn’t need to think; she just didn’t want to sound too blunt by saying "no" directly. “I don’t. But I have a very good older brother. Not a friend, though—he’s family.”
“So, you read books?”
Luo Zhi wasn’t sure how to explain. She was afraid Sheng Huainan might think she was cold and quirky. But then again, why hide it? That was the truth.
“What if you feel confused, if there’s something you can’t figure out? What if you don’t talk to friends about it? Will books have the answer?” he asked.
“Probably not,” she replied, “But at least they make you realize that there are many people throughout history who had the same troubles and were also searching for answers. You’re not alone. And there’s definitely a lot of valuable experience from the past to learn from.”
He smiled again, and only then did Luo Zhi notice the small dimples on his face.
“Really? Like, for example, someone once made grand promises, swore eternal love, and then later it all turned dull? Do books have the answer to that?”
From his words, Luo Zhi could sense a hint of playful sadness. She guessed the reason behind it.
“Camus said,” she answered slowly, “Love can burn brightly, or exist in the background, but it can’t do both at the same time.”
Sheng Huainan was silent for a while after hearing that. Then he said, “Hmm, my dad was right—reading more books really is beneficial. The wisdom in books is much deeper and simpler than what those long-winded people preach.”
Actually, many times when she read sentences like that, ones that resonated with her, she felt both excitement and fatigue. She’d struggle to gather fleeting inspiration, only to look up and realize that someone before her had already expanded on those thoughts and done it a thousand times better.
“We’re forced to gain a bit of life wisdom from the trivialities of daily life, and that’s true. But the things we try so hard to explain and depict, the people before us have already figured them out completely. There’s no room left for new interpretation. Everything has already been said, and it’s never unique.”
He stretched lazily and reclined against the back of his chair, “So, is that how you feel the presence of your ancestors, and then stop feeling lonely?”
His tone carried a bit of teasing, but Luo Zhi didn’t get angry.
Books, aside from making her feel frustrated by her own roughness, had also brought her many moments of joy. During her lonely and humble youth, when she started to envy those shining, beautiful years of others, a different sense of superiority would rise within her, like an old person looking down at a child who had never tasted the bitterness of life. And all that superiority came from those books.
It also came from her poverty and the years that had worn her down.
She didn’t respond. She stood up, threw the ice cream wrapper into the nearby trash bin, and said, “I’m going to skate for a bit.”
